Kelly LaPorta | Emotional Regulation | Part l
“While we may not all be mothers or fathers here, hang with me because we are all children. ”
Hi! **giveaway details below
I would dig into the interview I hosted with THE, Kelly Laporta, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Executive Coach, and Trained Nervous System Professional; however, I’m splitting this story share into a Part l and Part ll series. It felt more worthwhile once I started pouring it onto paper. I want to open up about some of my life-journey and to level the playing field before I ramp up to how worthwhile the mission of Kelly’s practice is and why I find her area of specialty so fascinating and valuable—even necessary for any person and/or parent who feels like things are getting emotionally off-centered in their hearts or homes.
I think it’s fair to say if you’re subscribing to this blog or following along on IG, you’re interested in human connection. I hope there’s a sense of otherness here; it is always meant to be hugging the core values of all I’m curating— typing, photographing, and the stories I’m putting on paper. So much of my vision here has been to stimulate growth between others. I know the challenge of finding time to nurture deep relationships and how invaluable it is toward a full version of our lives.
I undeniably feel this nudging and pulling to dig further into the story of parenthood and relationship and how those parental relationships impact the rest of our lives. One of the most incredible things we can offer to one another is to hand over the balm of healing for the wounds we’ve endured and have sometimes ignored so that we can love and exist more fully.
If you’re not a parent, maybe you’re sitting with some unrest inside of another relationship (s), and while you suspect it may stem from your own life’s story, perhaps, like me, you’re unsure of how to find resolve in it. Either way, the relationship we hold with ourselves (if without children) are some of the most important, and from where I’m sitting, if we don’t scrape just a little off of the surface to have a better understanding of what is happening, how can we do better? How can we heal to begin to do better?
If you’re a parent, you know that these little ones that paw at our legs, relentlessly asking for snacks, are so very dependent on us and independent from us at the same time, and they can push on these little spots that are tucked somewhere on the inside of us causing us to reflect toward those, “omg, I’m behaving as my parent(s) did,” moments OR, to have massive reactions that come unexpectedly and can leave us with a bit of guilt.
THIS ONE IS FOR YOU - FOR US
Several months ago, while my mom was in town, my son had an absolute fit. I mean, the whole bit; hands to his sides, face red, big eyes, teeth clenched, wholly overwhelmed, lots of things said. From 0 to 60 in half of a second. And while this wasn’t usually happening for a long time, it had become more common during the few weeks before this explosion. My husband sitting nearby, said something to the effect of needing more discipline, my mom (when asked her opinion later) mentioned disrespect, and I, well, I felt like it was neither. I felt like I could see how it teetered into either, but I also felt thankful that our five-year-old felt safe enough with me that he could fully express himself; it felt sad and overwhelming, and I wasn’t sure how to help him through it. The situation prompted thoughts about the things we absorb as humans and how we apply them, good, bad, or indifferent, into the parenting styles that can create a rigid structure or none from somewhere deeper inside us. What I knew was that I needed insight, perspective, and help.
In my childhood, there was no way, shape, or form where this behavior would have even run through my thoughts to express. We understood that there was a hierarchy, a law to follow, a person to respect at all costs and to cross it held heavy consequences.
My mama, full of compassion, took the brunt of things. She allowed more space for us to be kids overall; she let me experience more of my big feelings and had more capacity and understanding for the youthfulness of a child. However, the quick adjustment back to my dad, who was less tolerant of our significant feeling behaviors, created a disjointedness as to what was okay and what wasn't allowed. And while I loved so much about my dad and didn't see the flaw in pulling up my bootstraps, sucking up the tears— rarely letting them touch my cheeks as a child — I now see that the worth I placed in being really tough and lacking a more comprehensive range of emotions that can prove to be very healthy was emphasized too much. I see that having a relationship with feelings was overlooked— in my late 20s, I began to discover that this way of thinking over ever really feeling was unwell. Strength, desirability, and maturity didn't align with the ethos that crying solved nothing. So somewhere in the midst of not being allowed to cry the tears or say the things because they may read as disrespectful or maybe annoying, I learned that if I put it all aside and saved it for a rather involuntary explosion of emotion toward one of my siblings while my parents were gone or if I could have myself become mostly numb, life was more straightforward….easier.
So when my five-year-old had a meltdown a few times over a few weeks, I felt like I was doing something right because I thought I had created space for him to feel safe enough to say his things and to experience his feelings. But when my husband and mom thought it was more of a grievance than a good thing, I suddenly felt like I had to prove myself. And so I went above them. I reached for a third party, non-biased, who was educated and had been teaching me things on social media about kids and feelings and parents and dysregulation and saying some interesting things and also some things that made me cringe and other things that made me swipe left for more and others that made me scroll quickly away.
I had been following the person behind the @wiredforwellbeing account since my earliest twenties, but suddenly, the content caught my attention differently; Kelly LaPorta of Wired for Wellbeing was the first person that popped into my mind. I DM’d immediately and explained the situation asking if she had any recommendations/resources that I could engage with to help me understand this scenario better. Not only did she respond within minutes, but offered perspective and a course to participate in. Usually, in this instance, I’d drag my feet, make it into a big deal in my mind and perhaps never even bridge bringing it up to my husband, Justin, but this time I told him I was taking the course, spent the $600 and signed up. Honestly, I had no idea it would be what it was. Not because it required some (a manageable amount) of my time each day for 14 days but because Kelly, her team, and the cohort of other parents in the virtual course with me allowed me to get down to the grit of what was going on inside of me that was causing my feelings and responses toward the kid’s behavior and how much this was impacting their responses. And then, they offered tools to support my kids and me better throughout the day-to-day so that their feelings and emotional systems could survive and thrive. I’m far from perfect and have so much to learn and should probably retake the course, BUT we have made progress.
The course and the theories are based on the neurological portion of child development and help to teach what it means to hold a valuable, safe space for the ones we love. It allowed me to better understand what may be causing BIG reactions or no reaction at all when my kids behave in a way that I don’t know what to do with— how to support them better than I had been. With the overarching theme that trying is better than nothing and that copious amounts of grace are distributed in our reasonable failures.
During the first week of the course, I cried big, ugly, and deep. It was more introspective and gritty than I anticipated. They helped me realize in so many ways how deeply woven into my story these visceral responses are that I experience with the kids and my husband (and others). I was aware that I didn’t/don’t always know how to handle a situation, but this helped me see why I didn’t know— and how much more I could lovingly be doing to support them healthily more frequently. Sometimes it’s easier to go numb or to say that’s fine, to appease, or to over-discipline with reactive consequences that include too much removal or too much volume. It also caused me to full sob because I realized so many of my many-more flaws, how I’ve let them shape my life, and where they began without any awareness in me and likely no intention to create those spaces from my parents. It also created some room for grievances; and realizations around how much of the last few years I’ve lived in fight or flight—- which has poorly impacted some special relationships that mean a lot to me. I’ve got work to do, friends. It helped me to see I’ve lived a whole 37 years with a flawed perspective that I’d never realized needed attention and healing.
While the course structure is very centered around how to parent better, how to facilitate a healthy relationship that leans toward depth in their young adult years (and more), and safe space now, giving them the tools to engage in a more healthy version of emotional perspective, trust, and the relationship— it also gave me the gift of getting to the root of my very own issues, that didn’t first show themselves inside of parenting. It creates some space for me to identify and finally put some things to bed, and also it caused some neutrality that had no chance of existing without the realizations and knowledge paired together.
In Hindsight—
I can see myself resisting generous wisdom based on immaturity. Then, an entitled sense of knowing I have defaulted to for so many years because it was modeled for me repeatedly— instead of having the space to communicate my thoughts and share in healthy dialogue, I shut down and masked with, “Oh, I know” when maybe I didn’t really know— and if not with words, certainly my posture.
I can see myself shouting with arrogance and frustration at my former boss, who acted more as a friend when I felt he crossed a line by speaking into my life from concern instead of embracing a humble response with a rational perspective. Embarrassed because up to that moment, only family and lovers had seen that fashion of ugly me.
I can see past decisions and conversations I ran so far from instead of facing with honesty and truth to my soul, where regret now stands instead of being able to trust my heart to make better choices.
I can see myself being so mad at my two-year-old because he’s refusing to nap. I feel so out of control that my face is feeling hot, my voice is getting loud, and I’m making unreasonable demands, and because I can’t control him, I feel worthlessness and frustration.
These failures stand out.
The worst part is that some of these I saw it unfolding at the moment like an out-of-body experience and I knew I wanted myself to be different, but I didn’t know how to do it differently. I could see the disorderliness in these moments but was filled with shame, lacking tools and knowledge, and instead of growing I disassociated myself.
Wired for Wellbeing unlocked several pieces of me that I had not understood how to recognize, how to name, and most of all, change; with gentleness and kind prompts— their coaching helped me to make progress. I see now that so many of my responses over the years have been wrapped in flight or fight responses, unwell with immaturity and naivety.
The feeling of an outburst inside me has lessened; my big feelings now better know where they belong and have better bearings on how and when they should come out. The kids— have space and tools to regulate themselves better. When they can’t, I have a better understanding of how to try and help them get back to center. We’re all growing in the same spaces; I’m just on a 30+ year delay. And while it’s far from perfect over here, it’s better than it was, and that feels like a win.
I’ve been shouting from the rooftops for months that this account, the course/coaching, and the people running the classes offer health and wellness in good and productive ways. I realize that not everyone has these same experiences; some of you are so blessed with regulated feelings and healthy tools for raising a more well-rounded person/healthier romantic relationships than I’ve been. I’m so happy for them. But if there is some slight chaos in the home, tag along for the ride on IG and see if it’s beneficial. We often learn things before we do them, but with parenting, we jump in. I’m here to make some tweaks to that theory.
The next post …
I’ll be going through a Q&A with Kelly. I’m also giving away a spot to the Fall Cohort class. I'm paying a value of almost $500 so that a lucky winner can participate in the class.
**GIVEAWAY DETAILS
The giveaway is paid for in full by me, it is not sponsored by, endorsed, or administered by, or associated with Instagram.
All entries will be taken into account from any IG post associated with the giveaway.
A winner will be announced by noon on the 12th of May.
The winner will receive a spot in the November Cohort (course) that Wired for Wellbeing hosts. A $450 value / A two-week course that involves a connection with therapist/coaches and other parents through virtual formatting. A slight time requirement each day with helpful homework.
Please only enter if you are serious about taking the course!
To Enter go to the related post and leave an emoji with as much as you want to share about why this course feels helpful for you.
