Reflections | Making Friends as Adults is Hard

I’ve heard that proclamation three times in the last ten days from completely unassociated humans and so it’s really on my mind… so here I am just gushing on the blog. Thanks for reading along…

Making New Adult Friends: I've talked about it before and I'm sure I'll talk about it again. I'm no expert, however, I have a lot of experience in the area. The wanderlust in me made sure this practice remained prevalent for ALL of my 20's. As I've rooted into Colorado Springs for the foreseeable future I've had my fair share of friend-making here and I'm sure it will continue (I hope) as I grow older. Today is not a written how to- today is recognizing a few things about the process. 

In the last days an old friend was talking with me about how as an adult you can kind of present however you want to in a new friendship. Elaborating on that from my perspective... She wasn't talking about making a fake identity, she was talking about leaving out some of the ick that maturity brings us through or skipping some of the foundational stories because they're too long to tell and so on. Be it inspired by who you want to become or who you think you are or maybe it's excluding the parts you didn't like of your younger self, you do get to shape the narrative.. This can feel equally freeing and unknown.

In another conversation, a friend and I shared the time that it takes to really build a foundation with someone new... and as we're older and have our own rhythms it can be challenging to make space for new friendship. We have kids or not, we are trying for kids or not, we are still looking for our spouse or totally content without- maybe looking for a new spouse.. these stages are each consuming time, do we have any left for digging into the activity of someone else's life in order to hold hands and walk through it together with a new friend? 

And in my own thoughts sometimes we make friends; new, fresh and shiny and we love them deeply and sincerely in our best way. These can be fast friends and the roots grow deep quickly but because the parties have no history to reflect on and because each are only allocated so much time to spend with one another and because each person is shaping the narrative of vulnerabilities shared things feel like they can pivot. Without a decade of memories built and graces shared sometimes as adults we can feel less energy to pour into the healing. When life is so full of other things pulling from us as adults, it can feel more like a time to assess the health of the friendship than to just forge through. And this is okay.
It feels hard because it is hard. That said, it doesn't mean the making of the friend, building the thing and sharing in that season wasn't beautiful and holy and wholly shared, needed and adored. It just means it ran its course. 

I recently read a post that talked of signs to look for to keep friendships healthy and above board, if you will. It included a bulleted list (I LOVE bulleted lists) of some cues to watch for that might be signs of unhealthy ticks for either person in the friendship. And when I first read it I felt so defensive! Just in general, like “UH, but that’s not me and I’ve had friendships fizzle.” It felt as though the list were a qualifier for friendships that could be, will be or had been lost. 2019 was rough over here... with a capital R in the learning of healthy boundaries and I've learned a lot about the practice mourning. I’v mourned the oldest type of relationship and the newer, shiny kind. It’s painful! But as I paused and processed, I see I was wrong for feeling defensive about the post. It was just a set of alerts to look for and it’s part of recognizing healthy things in our lives. Saying no to friendship is sometimes just what has to happen. It’s hard, yet these still offer beauty in the growth attained and in the memories created that we get to cherish as we move forward.

The journey into friendships we build can sometimes be tumultuous, but the juxtaposition is often that they are full of glory and joy. More often than not, the hard work of making time in our busy schedules, space in our full hearts reaps lasting friendship though. So, I guess this post is to encourage you and myself- us to stay passionate in the space of community, in the task of pursuing new friendships and the business of being vulnerable. Knowing when to press in and paying attention to the red flags that alert as to when is the “right” time to walk away is. I'm going to work hard at continuing to apply these things learned and build better parts of me to offer the next- much like a good ol' fashion eyebrow waxing and pray for the best kinda shape to come out of it. Sometimes the wax leaves us prettier sometimes it leaves us with a little sting and some redness but it always leaves us feeling like we tackled a thing and we come back for more. Well, that took a turn.

Cheers to friends, people. Go get 'em! You're worth having and so are they, for whatever the period of time. They are good.

xx-k